Thankful, still.

This is a first. Doubting what seems to be what has been anticipated is new. It just seems so wrong - waiting for such a long time for what is supposed, or known, to be the biggest need, and then being scared of it. Perhaps there are just possibilities this thing brings that are quite overwhelming, and they are so because impressions and people matter so much. And it feels like no matter what decision is arrived at, there will always be consequences that can be as grave as that of any other choice. And alongside all the confusion and endless thinking that question is brought up, as much as it is avoided - is this really a blessing?

The question in itself is painful. It shows dullness. But taking away all emotions and interpretations that are associated with it, it is evident that the confusion roots from wanting to do the right things. Dullness may be a crying shame, but the struggle here is mainly due to the cautiousness there is in making choices and taking actions. Above all the fray that is in the head is the certainty with what the goal here is - to do the right thing.

Amidst all the blur, the way that feels right to take is that going back to the start. And when all the hardship and hope and prayers come back to mind, all questions seem to fade. This is a blessing. Everything is, perhaps, as long as the fact that there is a God who is in control is not lost in all this confusion. Or at least everything will lead to one. And no blessing leads to disasters. Maybe I just need to be reminded.