It's been almost two months since I last wrote. I don't know what I waited for. All this time I had been thinking I was waiting for my irritants to go away or be resolved. But maybe I was just too busy and tired. I was too occupied with school and too tired of the same struggles to explain them again. Maybe I was just running away. Trying to make sense out of everyday chaos meant facing it. Maybe I was a chicken.
I'm not sure if I've summoned my courage now. But I do know I'm beat. Life seems way tougher and crazier these days that giving up feels too easy to do. The dullness and at the same time difficulty of surviving every single day try to rob the speed I've been gaining to get out of where I am. Plus the people I've been looking up to have been disappointing me. There are fewer people to trust and that breaks my heart, really. As emo as this sounds, I feel like all I have treasured since I was little are falling apart.
I wish I could explain things better. Maybe not writing for quite a while has made me rusty with words.
I know somewhere along all the worries and fear and frustration, I almost set aside calling upon God. Delving in pain is easy when there's a lot of hurting to feel. But I'm opening my fist now. After all, all I can do is let go.
The next time I write, I will be happy. :)
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