Mum.

Sometimes I wish I can remember what to say when the same things happen. But the mere trouble in trying to recover words I am told I should've memorised by now only suggests I really don't know them. Or maybe I do, I just can't play with words. It's pretty hard knowing people are in rock bottom, listening to them say how they are so, actually feeling for them and wanting to make them feel better, but being just out of words. And it's such a puzzle sometimes when to know that I just shut it but the person knows I understand and actually care. That I know which things matter and that they are important to me, too. But how do I get that across without speaking? But the mere choice of speaking up becomes such a big risk too when people are at their most vulnerable. I'm afraid to break them with the slightest mistake in what I say.

Sometimes I wish it's enough to listen. There are times it is. There are times just trying to absorb everything seems to be the most wrong thing to do. Because people demand response. And failure to say something sensible gives the absurd thought that they are unimportant. From some ordinary point of view, it is somehow reasonable to think that way. Perhaps what I'm just trying to say here is that mere listening can be just as appreciated too. Time and sympathy are big things. They are not easy to give unless to people of value.

I wonder how pouring the heart out can become such a messy, ugly thing.