Just ask.

It is much, much easier to talk about things that don't matter. Or things that shouldn't. Perhaps I can fill all four of three pages with no effort, saying of course that in the end no one is worthy to fall for. Or that in a time and place like this that is nothing but funny. But maybe it's not the only funny thing.

I don't know how to describe exactly how it feels like during those times when even the most basic things I cannot define with certainty, when my mind screams for help but my heart doubts. That last statement takes a lot of courage to say. It's not a matter of faith, really. I've seen dead rise and the living change. Maybe it's guilt. That I ask for big things but am not in the very least sense deserving. Not that I can ever be. But to at least do my part maybe is something. Not that my actions are comparable. But to at least show that this is not the wrong kind of grace, if there's such. Not that what I do is for show.

It's sad now that I think I'm where lost are. I once talked so surely with words not mine, because those words are the most certain words I know and I put my life and trust in those. Everything is clear - without condition, without looking back, without using anything against anyone. Just ask, they say.

I feel worse now because now it seems I am ungrateful. Because though I can say I do mess up at times I always end up fine. Actually, way, way better than fine. Beyond what I deserve, of course. Always.

Maybe the lesson's different this time. Maybe I'm being told a different thing. What I've learned already, I do not let go of. I don't believe in contradictions, I'm not that naive. I'm changing the question now. I know no other answer. :)