Up to you.

I don’t know how they came out. The words just slipped away like the thought they contained was ordinary; like any of my senseless stories. My stare swung from a pair of eyes to another. I wonder if they made an effort to grasp whatever it is I would have loved to make them understand. It’s funny that where I am right now is beyond comprehension of even the person I thought would best know. You see, it’s that complicated. Under the surface, at least.

I made a circle with my index and thumb. It wasn’t even bigger than their eyes. It was a peak of what was bigger than life. And a fraction was all I could make them see, if I was ever able to. Maybe I was just exhausted. I just wanted to free myself from the smiles I give away when asked about things. It’s tiring to avoid things. And maybe it’s plain stupid to expose the matter and assume, or at worst hope, that it’d be dissolved in the conversation; that in the back of the heads of the people I talk with nothing, or at least nothing wrong, is going on; that in the days to come I will be rewarded for the effort I’ve always made just so I could keep myself from a complexity I’d like to believe only I can understand. But the mere fact that I spoke up daunts. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the sadness you feel when you say something so important to you it almost feels like you lost it the moment you translated it into words, because the souls you divulge to do not understand. Or do not care to do.

But it’s all past now. What bothers me more is the need for a reason to care at all. Honestly, I can’t find one.