Choke.

The thought of perfect world dives into the unconscious part of my head as he crosses my path. I look away and frown in disappointment. His way intertwines with mine and I know for the next couple of hours or so it would be hell he would try to inject in my world. He doesn’t know any of what he does, of course. And the thought makes me think I’m the sole person who conspired with the world for this.

The air becomes thin and it pushes my sides. Suddenly it becomes so scarce yet so powerful. I see he’s gone and I try to catch al the breath I’ve missed. He comes back the moment I let go of all the air I desperately sucked in. And I will be like that until someone sits beside me to tell me how pale I am and urge me to breathe. I haven’t been literally breathing, I realise.

Almost two hours later, I find myself in pretty much the same situation. Only then no one’s there to blame – no one but me. I force what is left to consume. I tell myself this is a different plane I’m in. Time flies and I leave my thoughts because I can’t afford not to put my whole head into the things I want to think are more important.

The next thing I know, I’m on my way home. I stare at the words on my phone’s screen. At one point, I wish the message fails to reach me just so it won’t have any chance of stealing a certain fraction of my brain. But there it is. The thought is simple, and perhaps senseless. I wonder why the light won’t go off. I almost think it’s because it’s urging me to press the reply button. And I perfectly know how ridiculous that is. Because I perfectly know the urge is from within. I’m probably bringing down a wall.

Again. I’ve been there before. I’ve seriously believed I could create a hole in the division. And though nothing can ever make me reach a conclusion, I say big things are hard to grasp but I decide not to let the little ones stay the way they are. I take control and decide where and when to stop things, if I can. Perfect timing.

I selfishly grasp the moist air and I realise there is so much to lose if I allow even a single person to interfere with my everyday. I fill myself with the January chill. It almost feels like I’m learning to breathe.