Extraordinarily light.*

It's starting to be confusing if an action or reaction, or lack thereof, can be a reflection of self control or mere weakness. It seems like the choice when a person raises voice or dismisses something said or rolls eyes lately always is to keep the cool and talk calmly, explaining what is unclear. But as the sharpness of words or tone or facial expressions stabs through, keeping calm almost looks like succumbing to the person and talking still politely, accepting the wrong treatment. When the pain is so strong it is difficult to realise, or at least be convinced, that what was done was just what was proper - calm, civilized, correct. When the pain is so strong what is difficult is not to hold the self back from reflecting the person's bad breeding, or the absence of any, but the regret that the pain was not allowed to take over to a certain degree, or that the pain took a while to settle in. Only so that the pain will recede a little. Only so that it wouldn't be very hard during those moments the memory is so fresh that calm, civilized and correct doesn't seem too proper anymore.

But then again, the best part of regretting not doing anything that could have felt good is that there is no regret too that anything wrong and ugly and embarassing resulted. I may have been hurt, but at least I was, and I pray will always be, calm and civilized enough not to hurt. And no pain or hatred is kept - I must be light to get to fly. And I pray for all that I need to be strong enough to pick up only what will build me from all these ugly moments -discernment, courage, wisdom - into a better, wiser, and yet again, stronger person.

I will not be divided. I will not fall apart. I will not forget. I am not doing this alone.

*Jon Foreman sings, "...extraordinarily light and heavy."