Wasted days.

I've always thought that days spent unproductively are those wasted. The times when lazing around and being glued to the bed win over facing piled up to-do's and chasing deadlines are those that are most crucial yet spent perhaps unwisely. But after almost a year of struggling to find permanence in adjustments, I say the only wasted days are the unhappy ones. Sometimes you just choose to work so hard to forget where you are, to lose whatever time you might have to realise how almost everything unmatches your plans. You immense yourself in the stress a part of your life gives to push away the stress the bigger picture gives ― your whole life, where it is right now and where it seems to be going. You try to do things without minding how useless and hurtful and ungrateful peope are to you, thinking there's no point in confronting them. And at the end of the day you just feel so used up and tired. And even when you feel like there's something you gain from all you've done you still feel exactly at square one, because you still don't know what's going on. Above all, you feel unhappy.

Those days are wasted. It is a sad thing to know some of your days are like that, but it's worse to count and know they're so many. I am trying to count right now. But I guess that's just an impossible task, because it is hard to say when you are truly happy, which perhaps only happens in the first place if you are not.

They say happiness is a choice, but sometimes it's not easy to choose to be happy. It's not easy to finally set aside the things that make you feel seemingly okay and chase the problems. It's not easy to accept that perhaps the only key to get away from the bad situation is to accept the bad situation, to finally swallow the fact that you are where you are, no matter how wrong the place seems to be, no matter how frustrating it is that your expectations are not what you have been getting. It is not easy to finally agree that you have to deal with all the mess that you feel you don't deserve or didn't make in the first place, before having everything in the right place. When you're hurt and tired, it's not so easy to really, truly accept that what you think is best may not actually be the right thing, even though you already know it, because all along the only thing you've never doubted is the fact that Someone is in control. But I guess there's no other way.