A.

It's surprising how anything, no matter how small or distant or seemingly basic, can shaken all that you are and all that you think you have been doing and looking forward to. In my case, it's a symbol. And to you it may just be a silly letter a. But today it's more than all that I have ever thought it can be.

And that's because of some reasons. For one, it can stop time. Or at least mine. For quite a while I just sit there in class, staring blankly, thinking if I can dare try to do again the things I very well want to master but are screaming I cannot. I'm startled because it feels like all doubts I have settled in the past now stare at me in the face again, stronger and more persistent than ever. And that's another thing this symbol can do - awaken my playing dead fears. I try to keep up with the discussion and keep my head in the z's. But I know perfectly I'm just saving all ugly thoughts for later.

So I go home with a splitting headache and a nudging self-issue. If you're given a polynomial now, I ask myself, will you find its zeros? Of course, I say. No matter how difficult? And though I may be partly thinking it's a better conclusion I'm reaching when I say no, I want to say it's really what I feel when I say, Probably not.

I tell myself I'm just tired. Or maybe disappointed. That symbol makes me miss how I wow at understanding complexities. But more than that, how I do all that I can to wow myself. I ask everyone at home if I'm just tired, and they say I am just tired. And they say I've gone far already, but that exactly makes being in the wrong place all the more scarier.

But this is what I love. And when you find something you love you don't deal with it at the start and walk away when things get harder and messier. And that holds me together. Because what silly love I feel is no match to that which I know He has for me. And if He puts me where I am I know He's gonna take care of how I stand firm until when I need to.

That's way more assuring than knowing I'm just beat. And more powerful than that little a.