Chill passed through my hoodie, and I want to say through my skin too. That which is beneath, that's where I thought I felt the coldness rested. I expected a tight grip on the muscles, a freeze of what else there could be left of me. But there was no pain, really. Just a genuine acceptance of weakness. Just an eager refusal to fight back. Just a thought that this was no moment to do things my way. Hey, no time is.
A year or so ago, I was probably in the same structure. I was dealing with people. I was learning that every attempt to take control of what others think and do was actually struggles with the self. To do what is right. To be who is righteous. Every thought, every word, every action, a result of perfect hold what else there might be but was not proper to not merely exist. I've lost meaning of easy. But whatever that word may mean, it must be one year ago.
I was tempted to wish I could deal with the same things. Never before have figures been so big deal, perhaps because never before have they been so alarming. If I continued to lose myself in a different space whenever I tried to put in my brain what was expected to be there, there would be no problem at all. Of course, I've just lied. Because I have been trying to change habits. Because even if I haven't, it wouldn't be okaye to see things falling apart. I guess my only point would have to be that nothing would ever be as powerful as one thing. Not a thing I say. Not a thing I do.
About three week ago, I was asking not to be given up on. If I was skeptical about this particular matter I could have gone home laughing at myself. But I asked. Because I believed. I knew the answer but I had to speak the words out. Though I knew they were known even before I opened up any part of me, I had to speak the words out. I was certain. I wasn't hoping. Certainty goes beyond the highest hopes.
Ask me now. Spread the words before me now. I'll be giving the same reply.
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