Over the weekend.

I’m not sure if it’s the chill that consumes the best of me. Everything fell out of its place Friday night. I was on my way home and a certain question was blinking in my head. It’s crazy how a genuine act of concern can become so disturbing. Suddenly, I care about what the world has to say again. I am bothered by thoughts spelled through the eyes, or questions beneath hellos. I feel deceived by the obvious that at some point I lost my sense of trust.

I go crazy over a distinct voice on the phone and short giggles made on purpose. I sniff cologne and go gaga over kindness so rare and perhaps given even to the least deserving. I smile at confusion and at what it can bring and make people do. I hear secrets and make myself a keeper. I read new phrases with same messages and hold myself back from saying the wrong things. I force smiles and eye condescension. I stare at every single thing I’ve boxed myself with and realise I’ve created my gravity.

It’s funny that being able to identify the things that take me to the edge of where I am, though I don’t exactly know what I meant with that, gives a hint of confidence. Maybe because it feels like I’m in square one of fixing things – my life included. And though I think I did fell off from where I should be standing there is at least hope that I’ll manage to put everything back right where it should be – myself included.

A couple of raised hands bring me to tears. They are all it takes to realize what I am probably living for, and the things in the side. Like snatched bottle from tight grip of anger. Like an exam on Thursday. Like giving in to simple requests. Like hard sib love. Maybe Freeway sale. But not exactly that.

Perhaps a lot has been lost. There’s a line from an Oasis song that goes like, “You can never change what’s been and gone.” But I think what could better make me feel good is the thought that no amount of loss can be equivalent to things learned. It’s good to reflect and pray and strive to be back on the right track.